In the wake of recent events here in Utah and around the world, I have been thinking a lot about where we are as a society. In the U.S. and many other countries, people can, on average, expect to live longer with greater health, quality of life, and comfort than at any prior time in human history. Yet despite this abundance, we have very high rates of anxiety, depression, addiction, and general ill health; many people still do not have access to the basic resources they need to thrive, and many people are living in a constant state of fear and dis-ease, which understandably seems to be getting worse as politics become more vitriolic.
The basic takeaway: We have managed to create scarcity and suffering amid a world of abundance and opportunity.
It is easy and tempting to blame this on others. However, I would argue that, as with all conflicts and challenges, our current societal situation is no one’s singular fault (although some carry far more responsibility than others) and everyone involved is contributing in some way (whether positively or negatively).
In other words, our reality is co-created; it is the result of all of our actions and choices interacting with each other in a butterfly effect, where everything matters and it is impossible to entirely separate anything.
Co-creation itself is not positive or negative; it just is. Therefore, the question isn’t whether we are co-creating, it is what are we co-creating? More specifically, are we contributing (intentionally or not) to creating a world that is more conducive to our individual and collective thriving, or to the opposite?
During this time when change is happening rapidly and things may feel unpredictable, unsettling, and even scary, many of us feel powerless to make positive change.
While this is entirely understandable, I firmly believe—and have found it to be true in my own life—that we have far greater power to contribute to creating a better world than most of us realize. However, to do so, we have to become a conscious co-creator. We have to become mindful of how our state of being, actions, and decisions affect others and the world around us, and to become intentional about doing what we can to move things in a productive direction.
Here are some suggestions for anyone who wishes to become a conscious co-creator.
Become aware of how you are co-creating and step into your power to make positive (and reduce negative) contributions
Newton’s third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Human dynamics are much the same: When we act, other people and the world react in response. Thus, every situation and dynamic is co-created.
This co-creation of reality plays out at every level, from individual to family to community to society. For example:
- Our emotional state affects others’ emotional states, which impacts their experiences and behaviors (hence why the EDR program has the ground rule “Take responsibility for the energy you bring into the room”)
- The dynamics in our family form our sense of self and tendencies, which in turn impact how we interact with the outside world
- Social media algorithms respond to and are the product of what we seek out and what we pay attention to, and they in turn influence what we see and what we think about
- People showing up and yelling at public meetings tend to contribute to a sense of community frustration and anger, whereas people acting in conflict-competent ways will likely have the opposite effect
- When groups and individuals promote and feed into “us vs them” politics, it erodes the fabric of society and contributes to political violence; in contrast, when people model how we can productively work through our differences to create truly positive outcomes, this tends to build trust, connection, and confidence that we can effectively solve problems together
It may be tempting to go through life ignoring or denying the fact that we are (consciously or not, productively or not) always co-creating with the world around us. However, doing so not only shirks our co-creative responsibility, but it also limits us from tapping into one of our greatest sources of power: our power to choose to consciously contribute to, and to not obviously work against, creating better outcomes and a better world.
Focus on your circle of control
Becoming a conscious, intentional co-creator does not mean taking responsibility for others’ choices, reactions, or responses, or for other things outside of our control. Instead, it means letting go of all of the things outside of our direct influence (including how others respond) and instead pouring energy into taking responsibility for everything in our circle of control—including our state of being, our behaviors, how we respond to situations, our big life decisions, and how we do or do not use whatever authority we have.
Doing so requires that we stop blaming others and pointing the finger (which is putting energy into things outside of our circle of control) and instead shift our attention to this powerful question: What am I doing to contribute to this, and what can I do to contribute to creating a better situation or outcome?
We create (and co-create) from the inside out
Our inner state is reflected in the world around us. For example, the state of our nervous system affects the nervous systems of people around us, and the way we treat ourselves shows up in how we treat others. As the saying goes: “As within, so without.”
An example of this: If we want to experience a safer, more peaceful, less frightening world, we have to start by cultivating inner calm and practicing self regulation. Otherwise, despite our desires for more calm and security, we will end up living in a state of dis-ease, and we will unconsciously send threat signals to others, contributing to collective fear and dysregulation.
This drives home how important it is to, in the words of Mahatma Ghandi, “be the change you want to see in the world.”
Becoming a conscious co-creator therefore requires paying attention to our state of being and our behaviors, and what they are contributing to co-creating. Some questions I like to ask myself to help with this include:
- Am I modeling and contributing to effective problem-solving, or am I contributing to dysregulation and contention, which get in the way of effective problem-solving?
- Am I contributing to the downward spiral of destructive conflict, or am I doing my part to create the upward spiral of productive conflict?
- Am I reproducing a frame of scarcity, or am I contributing to a more abundant way of seeing and operating in the world?
- Am I skillfully modeling ways of being that are conducive to human thriving (including taking good care of my body, time, and energy), or am I modeling something else?
Where your attention goes, energy flows
Where attention goes, energy flows. This is true at every level, from that of quantum physics (where science has shown that when you observe a situation or phenomenon, you necessarily change it, which is referred to as the observer effect) to all aspects of our lived experience.
Therefore, becoming a conscious co-creator requires that we become very attentive not only to our inner state, but also to our attention and, thus, our energy.
For example, are we compulsively reading the news, getting wound up about it, and then reproducing a state of scarcity, fear, and dysregulation? Or are we pouring our attention, and therefore our energy, into nourishing our relationships, working with others to solve community problems, and/or otherwise contributing to a world of abundance? These choices will contribute very different things to our own wellbeing, the experiences of people around us, and the broader world.
Related to this, we also need to become aware of whether our attention (and therefore our energy) is focused, present, and directed, or fragmented, messy, distracted, and/or all over the place. If the latter, we are leaking energy, rather than concentrating it on what really matters. For anyone struggling with attention and focus, which is entirely understandable in our world of distractions and rapid, unsettling change, you might find the book “Stolen Focus“ helpful.
Don’t feed the monster
Building on the above points, one of the key principles for becoming a conscious co-creator is, as I put it, “don’t feed the monster.” In other words, if you don’t like the mean, unproductive, angry, dysregulated state of the collective, don’t contribute to it!
What does this look like? It may mean choosing not to reply (or at least not to reply in kind) to a mean, unproductive email or social media post. It means not getting riled up, and therefore more likely to drive poorly, when someone flips you off on the highway. It requires not adding fuel to the fire when someone is mad at you or angry at the world.
The alternative to feeding the monster isn’t “doing nothing” or “just sitting there” or “being a punching bag.” First, we are always doing something, and inaction is an action (and is sometimes the most productive thing to do). Additionally, when you don’t feed the monster, you reserve your attention and energy for making more productive contributions, such as:
- Choosing to not send nasty messages like the one you received and instead recognizing the impact your emails and social media posts are likely to have on others and the collective, and therefore doing your best to use effective framing and constructive communication in all of your interactions
- Making sure you are being an attentive, calm, and present driver, and helping your loved ones be so as well, to help make driving as safe and enjoyable as possible
- Choosing to effectively listen to someone who is feeling angry at you or the world, since anger is typically a response to feeling like something we value has been compromised or feels at risk. One of the best ways to help someone move through anger is to help them feel heard and understood. Where necessary, we can also put our attention and energy into kindly and firmly setting boundaries. Further, we can direct energy into learning to use our own emotions as data, not directives, so we can avoid projecting unproductively on others in a way that contributes to family, community, and collective angst.
I want to be very clear that “don’t feed the monster” does not mean checking out, being a pushover, or not caring. Instead, it means channeling our energy into creating what we do want—what is truly conducive to thriving—rather than contributing to what we don’t want.
Get really honest and really clear about what we truly want to co-create
One of the hardest parts of becoming a conscious co-creator is cutting through all of the crap (including our egos and our social conditioning) to get really honest and clear about what we truly want to co-create: what really matters and what would truly be a good outcome. On the surface, many of us might conclude that a good outcome is for “those people to just go away” or for “me to just have what I want.” However, I firmly believe based on what we know about humans and my own lived experience that, ultimately, what most if not all of us really want is for ourselves and our loved ones to thrive.
I might be wrong about that, but if I am right, I can say with confidence that many of us are doing a lot of things that are not contributing to our thriving as individuals. It is a fallacy to think that our flourishing has to—or even can—come at the expense of others and the collective good. That is why I feel strongly that to flourish, we really need people to know how to productively navigate conflict—we need to learn how to navigate our differences so we can co-create a world in which all people can thrive, which is entirely possible in our reality of incredible abundance.
Use Triz to help you
My final piece of advice for becoming a conscious co-creator is to get out of your own way. In other words, stop doing things that don’t help. For anyone who wants to do this, I recommend this modified version of the Liberating Structure exercise Triz, which is all about identifying counterproductive behaviors and tendencies:
- First, get really clear on what kind of world you want to co-create.
- Then, make a list of all the things you can do to make sure that you achieve the worst result imaginable with respect to creating that world. Get creative and don’t hold back!
- Next, go down this list item by item and ask yourself, ‘Is there anything that I am currently doing that in any way, shape, or form resembles this item?’ Be brutally honest to make a second list of all your counterproductive activities and tendencies.
- Finally, go through the items on your second list and decide what first steps will help you stop what you know creates undesirable results. Then commit to taking those steps!
Co-create the world you truly want to live in
I consider myself an optimistic pragmatist. In line with this, I see the pain, anger, and fear that are being co-created throughout the world, and I see how much of a toll that is taking on all of us, whether we realize it or not. I also believe it doesn’t have to be this way. We can do better.
If you feel the same, and if it feels right for you, I encourage you to lean into your immense power to help co-create a better, more joyful, more thriving world, and I hope this blog helps.
Danya Rumore, Ph.D., is the director of the Environmental Dispute Resolution program in the Wallace Stegner Center at the University of Utah. She is a research professor in the S.J. Quinney College of Law and a clinical associate professor in the city and metropolitan planning department at the University of Utah. She teaches about, practices, and conducts research on conflict, negotiation, dispute resolution, leadership, and collaborative problem solving. She is also the founder and a co-director of the Gateway and Natural Amenity Region (GNAR) Initiative.
About the EDR blog: Hosted by the Wallace Stegner Center’s Environmental Dispute Resolution (EDR) program, the EDR blog shares ideas, tools, and resources to cultivate a culture of collaboration and help readers be more skillful in working through conflict. Read additional blog posts at edrblog.org.