In these times of major uncertainty and rapid change, most of us—no matter our political orientation, values, or beliefs—are worried about shifts that could affect the things we love and care about. Some of us are already feeling the impacts.
It is no surprise that many people feel on edge, to say the least.
In the hope this is helpful to people from all walks of life, here are a few insights that are my “survival guide” for navigating these wild times. If you find them useful, I hope you will share them with others.
1. We are wired to survive, not to thrive
One insight I keep coming back to—and one that has revolutionized how I teach and practice conflict resolution—is that we humans are wired to survive, not to thrive.
In other words: Our brains and bodies are elegantly designed to stay alive long enough to procreate and raise our young, but these survival instincts can lead us to behave in ways that are not conducive to our flourishing as individuals and as a species, especially in a diverse, abundant, interconnected world.
Some examples of this:
- Our brains are wired to pay more attention to “bad” things rather than “good” things, meaning negative things (such as unpleasant thoughts, emotions, social interactions, or harmful events) tend to have a greater effect on our behavior and experience of the world than equally positive or neutral things. This negativity bias makes perfect sense from a survival perspective; negative things are the things that present a survival threat. However, this bias generally distorts how we see and experience the world. For example, rather than paying attention to and being reassured by all of the things that are good (and maybe even better than they used to be) in our lives, we tend to focus on what is not as good as we would like it to be or what might go wrong. As a result, even when we are safe and things are pretty good, we tend to worry, stress, and find reasons to be anxious.
- Along the same lines, our brains weigh the pain of a loss more strongly than the pleasure of an equivalent gain. As a result, people are typically more willing to take risks to avoid potential losses than to make equivalent gains. Much like the related negativity bias, this loss aversion makes sense from a survival perspective; not having enough food, water, or shelter means not surviving, whereas having more or better is just a nicety. Unfortunately, this instinct doesn’t make as much sense in our modern world and can get in the way of our thriving. For example, our aversion to loss can lead us to protect the status quo, even when change is likely to be beneficial. It can also lead us to make decisions that aren’t in our best interest (such as to fix problems) simply because we are afraid of losing something we’ve gotten used to having.
- In line with and tied to our negativity bias and loss aversion, we have an aversion to uncertainty, meaning our brains dislike uncertainty and, if left to their own devices, try to avoid it or make it go away. Once again, our dislike of uncertainty makes sense from an evolutionary perspective: Uncertainty comes with risk of loss or harm, and our brains tend to focus on the negative and weigh a loss of harm above a potential of gain. As a result, to use a quote attributed to psychotherapist Virginia Satir, “People prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty.” This can lead us to make decisions that aren’t in our best interest simply to avoid uncertainty. It can also lead us to oversimplify situations, since complexity tends to come with uncertainty. This aversion is a big part of why change tends to be hard. We like change for the better, but change comes with uncertainty, and we fear change will mean losing something we value.
I encourage us all to become aware of these surviving-rather-than-thriving tendencies in ourselves and others, and to hold compassion for the ways in which they can drive us to behave in unproductive ways, as I further explain below.
2. When we feel threatened, our nervous system mobilizes to protect us
As part of our being wired to survive rather than to thrive, when our nervous system detects a threat—whether that be a bear in the woods, a potential loss (including a loss of status or other social threat), or uncertainty that comes with significant risk—it kicks into action to protect us from potential harm.
More specifically, our “lizard brain” amygdala fires up and our more evolved prefrontal cortex—which is responsible for higher order functions such as thinking logically, listening effectively, and creativity—starts to go offline. If left unmanaged, this threat response can lead us to become physically and emotionally dysregulated. When this happens, we default to fight, flight, freeze, and appease (or what I refer to as defend-and-attack) behaviors, such as: “I’ll show them!” or “I’ll prove I’m right!” or “I need to remove myself from this situation right now!” or “what do I need to do to make this go away?”
As I’ve explained in prior blogs, these kinds of behaviors predictably lead to frustration and resentment, leave problems unsolved, damage relationships, and/or otherwise negatively affect the things we deeply care about, often creating what I call the downward spiral of destructive conflict.
3. Our threat response can create threats where there previously were none
As if that wasn’t bad enough, perhaps the most pernicious part of our “wired to survive not to thrive” instincts in the modern world is that behaving in defend-and-attack ways can, and often does, create a true threat where previously there was none.
A colleague recently told me a story that perfectly illustrated this point. An employee of his was driving on the interstate when another driver dangerously cut him off. He avoided an accident. However, in his road rage (which is dysregulation at work!), he chased down the other driver. They both ended up in an argument on the side of the road, which escalated into a full-on physical fight. While the situation thankfully didn’t end in anyone getting seriously injured or killed, it definitely could have.
Another example of how this can and often does play out: Imagine a married couple who are so afraid of their marriage not working that they tend to get dysregulated when they experience conflict, leading them to argue with each other and/or stonewall each other instead of being conflict competent and productively working through their differences. Eventually, the resentment and frustration builds, and the relationship ends in a divorce.
These examples, which are unfortunately all too common, illustrate how our threat response can and often does create a self-fulfilling prophecy of real harm.
4. We have the ability to become an active operator of our nervous system
The good news is that we have the power to become what clinician and author Deb Dana calls an “active operator” of our nervous system. In other words, we can (as she puts it) befriend and work with our sometimes overly protective nervous system to avoid it leading us astray.
Here are some approaches I’ve found helpful for befriending and becoming a more active operator of my nervous system:
- First and foremost: I have found it enormously liberating and empowering to become more aware of everything I said above. Understanding our nervous system and why it does what it does (and how that sometimes isn’t helpful) allows us to become aware of our default modes, have compassion for them, and to choose to override our tendencies when they aren’t serving us and the world.
- I have also found it helpful to think of and treat my nervous system as a well-intentioned friend that wants the best for me but can be over-protective in ways that aren’t helpful. This makes it easier for me to separate my conscious “choosing” self from my subconscious reactions and impulses. It also makes it easier for me to hold compassion and curiosity for my instinctive reactions, rather than judging or criticizing them. All of that makes it easier for me to recognize and be gentle with myself when I’m getting dysregulated, and to choose to not let my nervous system take over when it’s not helpful. It also helps me to hold grace for myself when I react poorly in situations, and to hold grace and compassion for others when they behave in unproductive (or even unkind) ways because they are being hijacked by their nervous systems.
- I have learned to recognize when I am getting dysregulated, and I have created approaches for bringing myself back into regulation. For example, I have become more attuned to early signs that I am getting anxious or spun up. As soon as I notice these markers (e.g., spinning thoughts and pressure in my head), I make myself pause whatever I am doing to intentionally breathe for a minute or two or go for a mindful walk. Once I am present and calm, I remind myself that I am physically safe, there is no imminent mortal danger (even if there are real things I’m afraid of), that my nervous system is just getting out of whack, and that the best way to get a good outcome for myself and the things I care about is to stay present and well regulated.
- I now take very seriously what we might think of as “nervous system hygiene.” I do my best to set myself up for success by keeping my workload manageable: prioritizing sleeping well, eating well, and moving my body plenty, and doing other things that nourish my physical and emotional sense of wellbeing. I also actively avoid or limit things that are depleting for my nervous system, such as attending big group events and activities (which might be nourishing for some people, but are noticeably depleting for me). This has meant making many changes in my life, some of which were hard and some of which came at a cost. However, I am convinced that one of our greatest responsibilities to the world and one of our greatest gifts to ourselves and others is our ability to operate from a well-regulated place, and I therefore have made this a priority.
5. We can increase our power to make positive change by focusing on our interests and channeling our time, energy, and resources into our circle of influence
Now and always, one of the most powerful things we can do to make positive change and effectively respond to challenging situations in ways that help us get good outcomes is to focus on our interests—i.e., what really matters to us—and to not be positional. I recommend using the Nine Whys exercise, which I explain in this blog, to help us pull back the layers of the onion to get to what really matters to us.
Once we are clear about what really matters to us, we can then pour our time, energy, and resources into promoting or protecting those things in ways that really matter and are likely to lead to positive outcomes. To help me do this, I find it useful to remind myself of Steven Covey’s guidance to focus on the things we can directly influence, if not fully control (i.e., our “circle of influence”), and to not get distracted by or waste time, energy, and resources on the things we care about but cannot directly influence or change (i.e., our “circle of concern”).
To be clear: This doesn’t mean we should stop caring about things beyond our circle of influence. It simply means that we pour time, energy, and resources into things we can change in service of the things that really matter to us.
For example, maybe you decide to limit your time on (or totally get off) social media and instead spend more time with friends, loved ones, and neighbors because what really matters to you is your connections and community, and social media often is more disconnective than truly connective.
Or it could mean limiting and carefully curating your news reading—not because you don’t care about what is happening in the world, but you care deeply and really want to make change where you can, and reading the news is dysregulating and disempowering you. Rather than getting sucked into and agonizing over the news for hours every day, you might volunteer for a cause you care about, attend a public meeting to voice your interests to an elected official, or decide to run for elected office yourself.
Or maybe you are angry on behalf of a friend who recently lost a job. Instead of simply being angry at their employer, a focus on your circle of influence would mean doing something to help that friend, such as by offering to help them update their resume, connecting them to colleagues, or simply spending quality time with them as they navigate this change.
These are a few small examples of what it can look like to get clear about what really matters and to focus on our circle of influence to make positive change. If we take this concept seriously, we often find numerous ways we are wasting time, energy, and resources on things we can’t directly change, and that we have more power to affect the things we care about than we thought we had.
This survival guide is for everyone—and for society
I firmly believe that no matter our politics or beliefs, we all have a shared interest in a thriving, flourishing society and world. I also believe that we have far greater power to help create a thriving, flourishing society than we tend to give ourselves credit for—or take responsibility for.
As we individually and collectively navigate this time of change and disruption, I encourage us to step into the power to regulate our own nervous systems, help others to do so as well, and to make positive change through pouring our precious time, energy, and resources into the things we can actually influence.
Danya Rumore, Ph.D., is the director of the Environmental Dispute Resolution program in the Wallace Stegner Center at the University of Utah. She is a research professor in the S.J. Quinney College of Law and a clinical associate professor in the city and metropolitan planning department at the University of Utah. She teaches about, practices, and conducts research on conflict, negotiation, dispute resolution, leadership, and collaborative problem solving. She is also the founder and a co-director of the Gateway and Natural Amenity Region (GNAR) Initiative.
About the EDR blog: Hosted by the Wallace Stegner Center’s Environmental Dispute Resolution (EDR) program, the EDR blog shares ideas, tools, and resources to cultivate a culture of collaboration and help readers be more skillful in working through conflict. Read additional blog posts at edrblog.org.