The topic of boundaries has come up a lot recently in my classes and conversations. One thing I have noticed is that many people seem to understand the importance of healthy boundaries, while also struggling to really understand what boundaries are—and are not—and how to implement them.
Since healthy boundaries are critical for effective conflict resolution, collaboration, avoiding unnecessary conflict, and creating truly good outcomes for ourselves and others, I want to share my thoughts on what a boundary is and is not, why boundaries matter, and how to establish and uphold effective boundaries. My hope is that this helps us all understand and implement healthy boundaries—and sets us up to help others do so as well.
What a boundary is—and is not
I find it most helpful to understand a boundary as a personal rule we set and uphold in order to take care of our own emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. Put another way, a boundary is a commitment to having our own back and to taking action to provide for our own needs.
- A boundary IS NOT what we want other people to do; indeed, boundaries do not require that other people or situations change in any way.
- A boundary IS what we commit to doing in order to take care of our needs. This includes what we will do if, despite our best efforts, we aren’t able to move situations or our relationships with other people in a direction that is conducive to our thriving.
Another way to think about it: A boundary is an exertion of our “power to” (i.e., power to take care of our needs) and not an exertion of “power over” (i.e., trying to control, change, or dominate others).
In line with this, ultimatums, demands, or threats—all of which focus on making others change, rather than focusing on simply stepping into our power to take care of our own wellbeing—are not boundaries.
Let me provide a couple examples of my personal boundaries to illustrate:
- I find that tracking the national news play-by-play takes a toll on my nervous system and isn’t conducive to staying well regulated. Therefore, I have set a boundary for myself of only checking the headlines once a day. I also have committed to tactfully removing myself from political conversations that don’t feel productive or nourishing.
- I love spending time with my family. However, I do not love traveling during winter for a variety of other reasons. Therefore, I have made clear to my family that I will gladly travel to see them a few times a year, just not between January and March (unless there is an emergency or something else that cannot be planned in advance). When my family asks me every year if I will be joining them for a February trip to somewhere warm, I simply remind them of this boundary and that it hasn’t changed, tell them how much I appreciate that they want to spend time with me, and let them know I look forward to seeing them when we all get together later in the year.
As these examples highlight, effective boundary-setting does not require action from anyone else; setting and implementing our boundaries is entirely within our own power.
Healthy boundaries are not set in opposition or resistance to others; they are established and enacted to take care of the things that really matter to us. Another way of thinking about this is that they are always “for” and not “against.”
For another example of what a boundary can look like (particularly in the context of setting boundaries with kids), I recommend this short video clip from American psychologist and parenting coach Dr. Becky Kennedy.
Why boundaries matter
Hopefully it is evident why setting and implementing effective boundaries is critical for our wellbeing and healthy relationships, as well as for productively navigating conflict and working with others to problem solve, but in case not, let me be clear.
When we don’t set and uphold effective boundaries, we give up our own power to take care of our own needs. This leads us to expect other people to somehow know what we need and provide it, which is magical thinking and sets people up for failure. When others fail to meet our needs (which are often unstated or unclear), we tend to blame them for the fact that we aren’t thriving, rather than taking ownership of our own needs and wellbeing. This predictably leads to resentment—and, as the saying goes, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
This dynamic also tends to create the perception that there is a conflict with the other person (i.e., “there is a tension between my needs and what they are doing!”) when, in reality, the conflict is within ourselves (i.e., there is a tension between what I need and what I am doing). The way out of the conflict is to be honest with ourselves about our needs, and then to take responsibility for communicating these needs effectively and being willing to take action to have our needs met.
Along similar lines, our failure to implement effective boundaries often leads to a feeling of powerlessness, which reliably puts us in threat mode and results in dysregulation. As I have discussed in prior blogs, when we get dysregulated, we tend to default to destructive conflict tendencies (such as attack and defend behaviors). These behaviors predictably lead to negative outcomes, get in the way of productively resolving our differences, and, ultimately, set off the downward spiral of destructive conflict.
Another reason effective boundaries are so important is that we are always showing other people how to treat us, and we are always co-creating dynamics. When we don’t set and uphold effective boundaries, we are basically training people that they don’t have to treat us in ways that are conducive to our wellbeing, and as a result, we co-create situations and relationships that are not conducive to our—and, often, others’—thriving.
By setting and upholding effective boundaries, we exert our agency to take care of our own needs. In doing so, we can help ourselves stay calm and present and, thus, be able to respond to situations in conflict-competent ways; we set others up for success in helping us meet our needs (or to at least not accidentally go against them); and we step into our responsibility for co-creating positive outcomes and healthy relationships. Further, when we set and implement healthy boundaries, we inspire others to do the same—which, given how important effective boundaries are, I think is a gift to the world.
How to set and uphold effective boundaries
Setting healthy, effective boundaries is—like many conflict competencies—simple but not easy. Here is a step-wise approach I find helpful to guide me in identifying and upholding effective boundaries:
- Step 1: Recognize situations and dynamics that are not conducive to our wellbeing.
- Step 2: Get clear about what needs aren’t being met, which requires we get clear about what really matters to us.
- Pro tip: Skipping this step is where most people go wrong in setting boundaries, since if you’re not clear on what really matters, you can’t set effective boundaries. To help you get clear on what really matters, I strongly suggest using the Nine Whys exercise, which I describe in this blog post.
- Step 3: Identify actions you can take to provide for your needs.
- Step 4: If other people are involved, kindly and firmly communicate your needs
- Pro tip: I suggest using effective framing techniques to help you do this.
- Step 5: If your needs still aren’t being met, communicate and/or exercise your boundary so that you can meet your needs.
Let me use another personal example to illustrate how to move through these steps.
- Step 1: Many years ago, one of the teenagers in my extended family, who I care very deeply about, started treating me and other people in my family in ways that felt unkind and inconsiderate, and it really bothered me.
- Step 2: I thought deeply about why this was bothering me. Through using my emotions as data, I found that it is really important to me that people in my family treat each other lovingly and communicate effectively and considerately, since all of these things are important for individual and group wellbeing. I also realized that it is important for me to practice what I preach around conflict competence, and to be as positive a role model as I can be.
- Step 3: Keeping those key interests in mind, I thought about what actions I could take to help meet my needs. I decided that, as much as I love this family member, I didn’t want to spend time with them if they were being unkind or rude. I also doubled down on my commitment to staying calm, behaving in conflict-competent ways, and not reacting to their poor behavior (which I realized was starting to make me snappy with them and other people).
- Step 4: I kindly and firmly let my teenage relative know that it is really important to me that people in our family communicate kindly and effectively with each other. Using “yes and” framing, I explained that I love them—and that certain behaviors they were exhibiting felt unkind and rude toward me and others. I explained that I found this behavior hurtful, and I asked them to treat me and others in our family in a more loving way.
- Step 5: Since that request did not resolve the issue and my needs were still unmet, I exercised my boundary. I let the teenager know that my love for them was not on the line, and that until they treated me and others kindly, I would limit the time I spent with them.
The outcome of that situation was that I met my own needs through exercising my boundary. As an added benefit, my teenage family member eventually began to engage with the family in a more kind way, and our relationship is now the strongest it has ever been.
Why we struggle with setting and upholding effective boundaries
Again, setting and upholding effective boundaries is simple but not easy.
One of the key reasons for this is that people fear that if they exercise boundaries, they will hurt or disappoint other people. I think this fear in large part stems from a distorted idea of what boundaries are. For example, many people confuse boundary setting with trying to control others, getting revenge, or being defensive, which tend to not only be hurtful to others, but are also often counterproductive to our own thriving. When we understand that our boundaries are actions we will take to meet our needs—not attempts to control or oppose others, nor reactionary defenses—it liberates us to see all sorts of things we can do to address our needs without negatively affecting others at all (e.g., choosing to only check the news once a day).
This understanding also helps us to communicate our needs and our boundaries in ways that are tied to what really matters to us and, thus, easier for people to understand and not take personally (e.g., me choosing to let my family know all of the reasons I don’t like to travel during winter, and that time with them is important to me and I’ll prioritize visiting them during other parts of the year). It also helps us see that anyone who truly cares about us would want us to take care of our own needs—which requires setting healthy boundaries.
Another—and a related—reason many people struggle with boundaries is, as I noted above, that we try to do so without first deeply examining and getting clear about our needs. That leads us to be positional and reactive, rather than clear-eyed about what really matters to us and the actions we can take to advance our needs (which feeds into our fear of hurting others by setting boundaries). Hence why step two in my step-wise approach is so important and not to be skipped.
Along similar lines, many people shy away from implementing boundaries since they fear that doing so will lead to conflict—and, as I’ve explained in prior blogs, many people see conflict as a problem and as something to be avoided. If we shift our mindset and embrace the fact that conflict just is and it can even be productive if handled skillfully, that liberates us from letting this fear hold us back. Additionally, it is important to recognize that our failure to set and implement effective boundaries is often what causes conflict. For example, if I agree to go on a winter vacation with my family even though I really would prefer to stay home, that will not only likely make me resentful, but that resentment will likely spill over into family decision-making and create all sorts of unhelpful conflict. In contrast, if I am clear about this boundary, my family might be disappointed, and they might even try to convince me to do otherwise, but there’s actually very little conflict.
Another common challenge is that people become too attached to and identified with their boundaries, rather than letting them shift and evolve over time as we and our needs shift and evolve. As an example: My need to stay regulated will likely never change, but what that means for my news diet likely will. Similarly, right now, I have a strong boundary around optional travel during the winter, but in the future, my needs might change. When our boundaries become inflexible, including when they become part of our identity, they tend to lead us to behave in ways that are not conducive to our wellbeing. Therefore, the goal is to constantly check in with our needs (which may change), and then to assess what we need to do now to take care of those needs.
Step into your power to take care of your needs
As I have explained in prior blogs, one of our key sources of power—and one that is always available to us—is our ability to choose how we respond to any stimulus or situation. In line with this, I encourage everyone to step into your power to take care of your own needs through choosing to understand, set, and exercise healthy boundaries—and to inspire others to do so as well. I hope this blog helps.
Give it a try. You might be surprised how liberating, empowering, and even easy it is!
Danya Rumore, Ph.D., is the director of the Environmental Dispute Resolution program in the Wallace Stegner Center at the University of Utah. She is a research professor in the S.J. Quinney College of Law and a clinical associate professor in the city and metropolitan planning department at the University of Utah. She teaches about, practices, and conducts research on conflict, negotiation, dispute resolution, leadership, and collaborative problem solving. She is also the founder and a co-director of the Gateway and Natural Amenity Region (GNAR) Initiative.
About the EDR blog: Hosted by the Wallace Stegner Center’s Environmental Dispute Resolution (EDR) program, the EDR blog shares ideas, tools, and resources to cultivate a culture of collaboration and help readers be more skillful in working through conflict. Read additional blog posts at edrblog.org.