As I’ve discussed in prior blogs, I’ve come to believe that a lot of what we experience as conflict isn’t conflict at all; it is just dysregulated humans interacting with each other in unproductive ways. Further, when we do actually have conflict—a difference of needs, wants, or concerns that are in tension with each other and not easily reconcilable—then we need to be well regulated in order to respond in conflict-competent ways. All to say: I firmly believe based on two decades of doing conflict resolution work and a lot of research that practicing self-regulation ourselves and helping others do so as well is one of the most important gifts we can give ourselves and the world.
Unfortunately, not everyone is receptive to this idea, and some may resist any encouragement to self-regulate. I know from experience that there are many people who might be resistant to the idea of doing a centering exercise or focusing on self-regulation at, say, the start of their team meeting, during a public event, or amid a difficult personal conversation.
So, how can we help others practice self-regulation when they might be skeptical or resistant to the idea?
In the hope that this helps you spread awareness and skills with others, here’s some advice to help you help others be more open to centering and self-regulation.
Practice effective framing when introducing centering activities
Effective framing is a key skill for effective communication. This is all the more true and important when other people may not see things the same way we do (i.e., when we have conflict). For example: We think it would be helpful for others to practice centering and self-regulation, and they feel otherwise.
Hence, my first and overarching piece of advice is to really lean into the core principles of effective framing. Here’s a reminder of those principles, along with some basic illustrations of what to do (✅) and not to do (❌) when encouraging people to lean into centering and self-regulation:
- Focus on the probletunities, not the people: Focus on the challenge or opportunity that brings people together, rather than making things personal (i.e., about yourself or others).✅ Example of focusing on probletunities: “I want to set us up for success in having an effective meeting, and therefore want to give us all a minute to arrive, center, and become present here and now.”
❌Example of focusing on the people: “You are a mess and really need to self-regulate.”
- Focus on interests, not positions: A position is a particular solution or strategy, or what you might think of as the “what” or “how” we have in mind for how to address a situation. In contrast, our interests are what really matters to us, or our underlying “why.” In life in general, and especially when navigating conflict, it is enormously helpful and empowering to focus on interests, not positions, including in how we frame what we say.✅ Example of focusing on interests: “I am feeling a little antsy and anxious about all of the change happening in our organization, and I am guessing others are as well. I also know we have limited time and want to use our time well. To help us do that, I want to give us a minute to calm our nervous systems and become present here and now so we can work effectively.”
❌Example of focusing on positions: “We need to do some centering before we begin.”
- Focus on assets, not deficits: Define situations and people by their assets, opportunities, and aspirations, not by their problems or limitations (i.e., their deficits).✅ Example of focusing on assets: “I want to help us all tap into our creativity during our meeting today. Since our brains are better at being creative when we are in a calm, present state of mind, I am going to give us a minute to do a little centering.”
❌Example of focusing on deficits: “We’re doing a terrible job of being creative. I think we should do some centering.”
- Be responsive, not reactive: When framing things, don’t be driven by your emotions or see yourself as being “acted upon;” instead, understand, communicate, and validate how you and others are feeling, while also focusing on your and other people’s agency to respond to the situation.✅ Example of being responsive: “I am getting the sense some folks are a little skeptical about the idea of doing a minute of centering at the start of each meeting. I personally have experienced how helpful it is to take a moment to arrive here and make sure we’re in a good state of mind to work efficiently and effectively. Therefore, I’m going to encourage everyone to give this a try. If you don’t want to do the exercise, that’s totally fine—just please respect others’ desire to have a moment to center and become present.”
❌ Example of being reactive: “You are frustrating me with your resistance to trying this centering exercise!”
In general, thoughtful framing will work wonders for getting a group to be aware of self-regulation and more willing and open to giving centering a try.
Here are a few additional and related pieces of advice that are also likely to be helpful.
Remember, the goal is “help me help you help me”
Effective conflict resolution and collaboration are all about working with others to meet their interests in a way that helps meet our own interests. In other words, as I like to put it, the goal is “help me help you help me.”
In line with this, remember that your goal isn’t to force other people to do something for your own selfish reasons; it is to help them center and self-regulate so that they can focus on what really matters and be more effective in doing the things that will help them get a good outcome (e.g., listening, problem solving, working through issues efficiently and effectively, etc.). Keep this intent front and center, and frame your requests/invitations to people accordingly.
Here’s an example of what this might look like:
✅ “It seems like this issue is really important for us to work through. To make sure we’re both in the right state of mind to have a productive conversation, I’m wondering if we can each go for a five-minute walk to breathe and make sure we’re calm and present?”
And here’s an example of what this doesn’t look like:
❌ “I need you to do some breathing to calm down, since you’re way too worked up to talk about this in a productive way.”
Leverage relevant standards and principles
When we are trying to navigate differences in needs, wants, or concerns, it is helpful to frame our conversations with relevant standards (i.e., widely accepted norms and measures) and principles (i.e., things the involved people think are important). In the case of setting people up for success in practicing centering and self-regulation, this may involve referring to standards such as scientific evidence that self-regulation is helpful for individual and group effectiveness and wellbeing and that being more intentional about how we breathe can do wonders for our physical and mental wellbeing. In terms of principles, it may be helpful to speak to the things that the other person/people value, such as group effectiveness, individual wellbeing, community, etc.
To illustrate, this might look like:
✅ “I have been reading about the importance of self-regulation for effective group work, and I would like to have us give this a try to see if it feels helpful for us.”
✅ “I know that we all value and prioritize individual and group wellbeing. In a class I took, I learned that regulating our nervous systems is really helpful for personal and collective wellbeing. I’d like to share an exercise I learned to help with this. I’d love to have everyone give this a try and see how it feels for you.”
An important note: When appealing to standards or principles, remember that the goal is to “help me help you help me,” not to bludgeon people into doing what you want them to do. Here are some examples of using standards and principles as a cudgel, which I recommend you don’t do:
❌ “According to the science, you should do this centering exercise.”
❌ “You say you value individual and group wellbeing. Well, then, show it by being better at self-regulating!”
Name and claim potential preoccupations
I have come to believe that one of the key jobs of anyone trying to help people work through conflict is to help manage the anxieties in the room; if people are preoccupied with their worries, then they are not able to effectively engage with whatever issue is immediately in front of them (in large part because being anxious equals being dysregulated). One method I have found effective is to, as I put it, kindly “name and claim” the things that might be preoccupying people’s minds. This simply means noting that people may be feeling a certain way or concerned about certain things, that this is understandable, and that it is important to put these things aside for a bit so they can focus on the issues or topics immediately at hand.
When trying to get people to be more open to trying centering and self-regulation practices, this might look something like:
✅ “I know this might seem a little woo-woo to some of you, but I am going to encourage you to try it. See how it feels. Don’t knock it until you try it!”
✅ “I want to be clear that this isn’t fringe ‘new age’ stuff. Science suggests that we can’t be creative, think rationally, or listen effectively if we aren’t in a present, calm state of mind, so I encourage us all to give this a try.”
✅ “I was really skeptical when I first got introduced to self-regulation and centering exercises, so I understand if you are, too. And I have also found this to be enormously helpful for my ability to work effectively and efficiently, and I’m guessing you might as well. I encourage you to give it a try.”
Naming and claiming does not mean name-calling or blaming. It doesn’t look like:
❌ “I don’t understand why you are so close-minded. Stop being a stick-in-the-mud and give it a try!”
Hand the work back to the group
Another useful tool for navigating conflict—and for helping open the door for others to practice centering—is to practice what I call “handing the work back to the group.” This means not making the decision for others, but asking them what they want to do.
When inviting others to center and self-regulate, this might look something like:
✅ “I’m feeling a little spun-up, and I think I could use a minute to calm my nervous system and fully become present here and now. I’m guessing I’m not the only one who feels this way. Quick show of thumbs: Please put thumbs up if you are also feeling this way and would like a focused moment to do a little centering before we dive in, thumbs down if you’re feeling ready to just dive in, and thumbs to the side if you’re fine either way.”
Meet your audience where they are
A final piece of advice, and one that is generally applicable to all parts of life, is to meet your audience where they are. In this context, this means framing things in a way that will resonate with the particular audience you are working with (I hope all of the examples above give you some fodder to work with!)
It also means keeping any centering exercises simple and short when working with audiences that may be new to or resistant to this concept.
For example, if you want to get your team to do a little self-regulation at the start of each team meeting, you might frame this (using all of the approaches I described above) along the lines of:
✅ “I know there is a lot of change and uncertainty in our organization and the world right now. I want to set us up for success in having a productive, efficient meeting so we can navigate all of this upheaval as effectively as possible as a team. So, I am going to give one to two minutes at the start of each meeting to arrive, switch gears from whatever else we were doing, and get our brains and bodies into a good state to engage productively. Personally, I am going to use this time to do a little box breathing, but I encourage you all to use this time however is most helpful for you to bring your focus, attention, and best selves to our time together.”
Or if you are in the middle of a public meeting and it feels like people are really getting worked up and would benefit from a little self-regulation, you might simply note it is a good time for a break and encourage people to do things that will help them calm their nervous systems and become more present, such as:
✅ “People understandably have some strong feelings about this decision. I’d like for us to take a 10-minute break before we dive into people’s concerns and what we can do to address them. During this break, I encourage people to get outside for a bit, walk around, and do what you need to do so you can come back ready to engage productively with one another so we can make as much progress as possible in our remaining time.”
Give it a try—you might be surprised by how receptive people are
Reflecting on all of this, I am reminded of the fact that a decade ago, when we first started teaching about the importance of self-regulation and introducing people to simple centering exercises (e.g., mindful breathing) in our professional conflict resolution and collaboration trainings, we would consistently have at least one or two people in every class who would provide us feedback that there was “too much yoga stuff.” Interestingly, in the years since, particularly since the COVID-19 pandemic, instead of receiving those kinds of comments from our trainees, we now often hear that learning to self-regulate was one of their most important takeaways from the course and that they want more centering exercises.
I think this shift in our participants is a reflection of a larger societal shift toward people becoming more aware of their own nervous systems and the impact our states of being have on our efficacy and the people around us. My sense is that many people are much more open and receptive to self-regulation and the power of centering now than they were 10, or even six, years ago. Additionally, amid these times of rapid change and significant uncertainty, I think many of us—knowingly or not—crave a sense of being truly calm and present, and all of the good stuff that comes with it (such as being able to fully utilize our prefrontal cortex!)
As with most aspects of conflict competence, changing culture (such as how we do meetings and how we interact with each other) takes courage. However, if you approach this tactfully—including by using the advice I provided above—I think you may be surprised how receptive and even grateful people are.
Give it a try, and let us know how it goes!
Danya Rumore, Ph.D., is the director of the Environmental Dispute Resolution program in the Wallace Stegner Center at the University of Utah. She is a research professor in the S.J. Quinney College of Law and a clinical associate professor in the city and metropolitan planning department at the University of Utah. She teaches about, practices, and conducts research on conflict, negotiation, dispute resolution, leadership, and collaborative problem solving. She is also the founder and a co-director of the Gateway and Natural Amenity Region (GNAR) Initiative.
About the EDR blog: Hosted by the Wallace Stegner Center’s Environmental Dispute Resolution (EDR) program, the EDR blog shares ideas, tools, and resources to cultivate a culture of collaboration and help readers be more skillful in working through conflict. Read additional blog posts at edrblog.org.